S MAN V/S THE K WOMEN ;)

Story of Every Ekta Kapoor/Saas Bahu Soap ever made(or to be made)


1)The girl is Blind/has a Dark Complexion/is Deaf/Dumb/short/ugly like sh*t(looks like a result of breeding between Great Khali and Johnny lever)/has 200076 teeth in her mouth/has two heads (none of them having a brain)






2)If She is rich,She is arrogant,and falls for a poor guy,if shes poor she falls for a super rich guy,who comes from A SUPER DUPER RICH “BUSINESS” FAMILY,WHERE MEN AND WOMEN WEAR FANCY CLOTHES THE WHOLE DAY,ENGAGE IN CHOOGLI(GOD KNOWS WHEN THEY ACTUALLY GO TO WORK TO BE SO “RICH”)




3)The rich boy/rich girl has a mother who is proud/arrogant/bitchy.cunning and wears fancy sarees and jewellary,and doesn’t even go to the bathroom without her 12 hour makeup on.




4)Basically the men in the family are USELESS,ALL THEY DO IS SIT IN THE CORNER,GET SCOLDED BY THEIR WIVES/SIGN WRONG DOCUMENTS WHICH LEADS TO TFR OF PROPERTY ETC ETC





5)There is also a grandma who is 5 billion years old,who refuses to die,whereas every 20 year old in the serial regularly dies of a bullet shot/explosion/cancer/AIDS/PILES




6)After the love affair,singing and dancing,the boy/girl get married to someone else,now a long series of remarriages start(takes about 10 years to complete and about 1000 years for the viewer to understand)
This is my humble attempt to make you understand how it happens-

Step 1-Original Husband/Wife dies
Step2-Girl/Boy marry dead Husband/Wife ki Bhai/Behen
Step3-The Person in Step 1 comes back
Step 4-Divorce of Sep 2
Step5-Person of Step 3 already marries another Boy/Girl
Step6-Person in Step 2 and 5 fall in love and marry
Step7-Person born from Step6 marries person born from Step 2
Step8-Viewer loses his/her mind marries his dog,dies from intense pain in the brain/goes into a coma

How to make your own celebrities :P

These are my perfect ingrediants for making your bollywood/hollywood star,if u get offended after reading this coz i kicked arses of your favrt celebrities,well SCREW YOU!! :-P

1)FIRST CELEBRITY-INGREDIENTS-

SUPERMAN








PLUS


BATMAN






PLUS

SPIDERMAN






PLUS




A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION TO MAGNIFY ALL THEIR POWERS MILLION TIMES






AND THE MOST IMPORTANT
NOTE-DO NOT FORGET,OR YOUR EXPERIMENT WILL MOST DEFINITELY FAIL---



IDLI SAMBAR




AND YOU HAVE THE ONE,THE ONLY,THE AMAZING,INCREDIBLE,BALD,BLACK,BUDHA












ENNA RASCALA MIND IT!!!


2)FOR MAKING THE 2ND CELEBRITY-INGREDIENTS-
SOME REALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY FAAATTTTTTTTTTT AND UGLY LIPS



I MEAN REAALLLLLLLY FAAAAATTT


PLUS

A FROG-ANY SIMPLE FROG,BUT THE ONLY CONDITION IS SHOULDN'T ACT BETTER THAN PRIYANKA CHOPRA




AND YOU GET.......

EUREKA!!!!





3)THIRD CELEBRITY-INGREDIENTS
A BAT



PLUS

A FRIDGE



NOW ALL YA GOTTA DO IS PUT DEAD BAT IN THE FRIDGE FOR CLOSE TO A MILLION YEARS,WHEN YOU TAKE IT OUT MAKE SURE IT IS STINKING,HAS PALM TREES GROWING PN HIS HEAD INSTEAD OF HAIR AND HAS 600 PACK ABS..MAKE SURE HE SPEAKS STUPID MUSHY ROMANTIC STUFF TOO….AND VOILA……..



THE ULTIMATE DOUCHE BAG OF ALL

ROBERT KISKA-SON




4)FOURTH CELEBRITY-INGREDIENTS

SILICON CHIPS
FIND SOME REALLY CHEAP QUALITY SILICON CHIPS..THAT CAN MALFUNCTION ANYTIME ANYWHERE( PREFERABLY A REALITY SHOW)



CRY BABY
A CRY BABY WHICH CAN CRY UNTIL 21 DEC 2012




AND YOU GET....
MRI JAAN RAKHI SAWANT :-P

The plot of every akshay kumar movie ever :p part 1

CLICK TO ENLARGE

The plot of every akshay kumar movie ever :p part 2

CLICK TO ENLARGE



CLICK TO ENLARGE

Raajneeti

"Power Corrupts,and absolute power corrupts absolutely"
-Mahatma Gandhi

its said India has 3 religions-one, politics,two,cricket,and three Bollywood, people love to argue about these three things,everybody has their own opinion,and everybody considers themselves to be an expert in these 3 fields.

Traditionally politics has never been portrayed correctly in Bollywood,politicians are generally shown to be corrupt guys who come in between the hero and the heroine,Rajneeti too is about corrupt politicians,but deals with the matter in panache

Rajneeti combines two of the greatest epics of India, Mahabharata and the saga of Nehru Gandhi family,with a dash of Godfather,its one of those movies which will still be relevant after 10 years.Its a classic,another good one from the prakash jha camp.

All the actors deserve best actor nomination, be it Nana patekar,who played the part of Lord Krishna in the movie,Manoj "karara jawab denge"bajpai,Katrina kaif ,who for me did a mediocre job,Naseerudin Shah, who had a disappearing act in the movie,Ranbir Kapoor who played Arjun,Ajay Devgn as Karan, and my favorite bloke of wood turned actor Arjun"Ankhiya milaon kbi ankhiya churaon" rampal, who according to me was the reel version of Sanjay Gandhi.Arjun Rampal has grown immensely as an actor.

My 5 on 5 for this one,one of the mos hard hitting movie in recent times,intelligent cinema.after watching this movie,you will be disgusted and amazed by the power play in Indian politics ,missing it would be a crime.

ADIOS AMIGOS!!!!

An open Letter from Rakhi Sawant

species-itemus girlika
genus-tharkis
family- silicon implantus

An open Letter from Rakhi Sawant


To all My phans(although i love khaitan ke pankhe da most)

heloz da viewerz,gor se dekho aur gor se dekhooooo,bas bas zyda ni nai to silicon chubh jayega :p
dis is rakhis,2day m on da wire,or as they say on lines,writing letr fr da firsts times,pleej beat your one hand with the other(clap) and blow gas from your holes(whistle)
i luvz indian peoples,and mke luv wid stray dogs(she means she cares alot about stray dogs),i am so full of silicone,you could make a motherboard out of me,i am very talenteds,
i luves 2 dancers,i am looking for luv in ma livez,my prince charms(cigaratte wla :P),who will come on a horses,and drag me(she means will taker her wid him),i luvs to acts
so friendss dis ij alls for 2day

with lots of luvs,
yours and only yours*
Rakhis Sawants

* premium charges apply

Attack of the Anti-gs(Auntyjis)

i ws surfin da net and dis is wat i found out-
Dinosaurs lived for??-160 million years
Genghis khan lived for??-65 yrs
Hitler lived for??-56 yrs
Auntyjis will live for??- *critical error* *system needs to shutdown*

dettol wali auntyji galat bolti hain,kitanu har jagah nahi,anti-g har jagah milti hain,apke ghar mn,pados mein,etc etc

yes friends and girl friends,no matter where you are,you are never too far frm an anti-g

different types of anti-g

1)Mummy ki dost anti-g

Genrly ghar ke ek km ke radius pe milti hain,inko pokes-her-nose-in2-evrythng anti-g b bolte hn

2)Relative anti-g

Genrly found in your family,tends to know evrythng about da famly,and will insult you to death if you score half a mark less then their kid,and no matter what you do,you will always be inferior to their kids,inka main weapon comparision hta hn
example-
aunty-beta shiv tmhare maths mn kitne numbr aye??
shv-aunty 100 mn se 560
auntyji-mri bete ke 561 te,koi ni,tum usse padh lia kro

MY Stupid Facebook/Orkut Communities

I am tired of getting invitations to all kinds of stupid facebook/orkut communities

being the vella i am i was thinking if i made some communities what would their names be-


1)IT BURNS WHEN I PEE
do i have to elaborate on this??


2)IT HURTS WHEN SOMEBODY KICKS ME IN THE GROIN
Ouch!!!

3)I WAS IN MY TOILET WHEN SACHIN MADE 200

theres a page called i was alive when sachin made 200,hw stupid..dude what difference does it make where you were,when sachin made 200,i luv him,no doubt,but no point joining stupid communities

4)I HATE THOSE WHO HATE THOSE WHO HATE THOSE WHO HATE INDIA

I love my India :)

5) I MAKE MY OWN RULES AND I AM STYLISH AND I LUV BEER AND I HAVE ATTITUDE AND I LOVE SHOPPING AND CHOCOLATES AND I AM COOL (In short you are a jerk)

pretty much covers every community

The One with Maggi…

Time- 1:00 Am
Place: Beyond enemy territories, in a place rarely visited by me-The Kitchen
Mission-To cook MAGGI

I woke up that night, feeling hungry, I was all alone, I jumped into my fridge to find something to eat, but I found nothing, I was hungry, desperate and I went to the kitchen, and there I found something in a yellow packet, I saw those 5 dreaded letters M-A-G-G-I

My hands were shaking when I picked up that packet; I knew it was going to be my first time…what if I fail?? What if it doesn’t taste good? ...

Confusion No.1-

It said at the back that we had to put 1 and a half cup of water, now any intelligent man would ask the question, which cup,small cup or large cup?? Steel cup or ceramic cup??

Confusion No.2-

Break into four parts,but in the pic ,the wafers are broken in two parts only…

Confusion No.3-

Cook for two minutes, and stir occasionally-How many times does occasionally mean????

Sab kuch padh liya and samajh liya…now let me make some delicious Maggie…arey yar lighter kahan hain?? X(

uNCHE lOg,UnCHI pASAND,mANIKchand :p

KALLU BHAYYA..HOT AND SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE...ANY LADIES INTERESTED?? :P

“mY NAMe Is PAppu”

There are 3 types of successful actors in bollywood in the world, one who work hard and make it big, two, who don't work hard and make it big, and then there are people who k-k-k-kompletely don’t have the looks, or the acting skills, but make it big in bollywood. They buy stupid teams like K-K-K-K-KOLKATA KNIGHTRIDERS; yes ladies and gentlemen the one and only PAPPU KHAN.

“PAPPU KHAN’S GUIDE TO MAKE A SUPER DUPER HIT MOVIE”

1) NEW HEROINES

Give new talent a chance, bring a new heroine,even she is 45 years younger then you, you might be born in the 12th century, but still you will play a college going guy

2) THE “OPEN YOUR ARMS AND SLOWLY GHUMO” STEP

Pappu khan once told me that he copied this step from a beggar at New Delhi railway station, so no matter where you are, in a movie, in a stadium watching your team play, or pooping in the bathroom, just do it.

3) “I AM KING KONG(OOPS KING KHAN),BAADSHAH” TECHNIQUE

Keep repeating these words, shout them loud in front of media ,even if no one is listening, din mein 1001 bar,this will surely boost your self confidence, but the only side effect is you might be getting 250 volt shocks, in a mental hospital, where your family members may leave you at.

4) K-K-K-KONTROVERSY!!

My name is pappu, yes pappu!!! And when you are pappu, you are discriminated , you are checked at airports, cry about it, make noise, invite players from pappistan, roll naked on the floor, make love to a donkey, do whatever you can, just generate some hype.


FOLLOW THESE RULES, AND MAKE A HIT movie PAPPU ISSSHTYLE ;)

NOTE-ALL PAPPU FANS,IF YOU WERE HURT AND FEEL LIKE KILLING ME,ITS WAS TOTALLY INTENDED :)

PaPEROn MEIn FaiL hoNE Ke BAD ;)......

Doin articlship under babu mochi nw ;)

KAAYAVATI KA Swayamvar

I heard there was going to be a swayamvar season 2,so I went to the NDTV imagine office,but to my disappointment I was informed it was not rakhi ka swayamvar(I love her sooo much,jejussss ki kasam!!!) it was actually rahul mahajan;s swayamvar,being the fame ka bhuka I am , I said mujhe bi lelo,kahani mein acha twist ajayega,they said they cant select me as I was too classy and good looking for rahul mahajan :P.

So I was thinking if the most beautyphool,powerphool and bloodyphool bachelorette of UTTAR PRADESH was to organize her swayamvar, who would turn up to win her heart-

1) SALMAN KHAN
The most eligible bachelor in bollywood, ultimate bad boy, both kayavati and salman are famous for hit and runs, salman hits people on the road and runs away,and kaayavati regularly hits ministers and IAS’s,who if lucky,manage to run away

2) DEV ANAND
The most eligible 250 year old bachelor, ever green, I am sure after 21st December 2012 he would still be alive to repopulate earth

3) EX-GOVERNOR N.D. TIWARI
Clearly the most experienced of the lot (if u know what I mean ;))

4)MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I cn go yar,zyada age difference kahan hain mre aur uske bich mein,I am 20 and shes like wat…92…itna to chalta hi hain :P….waise bi kisko parks mein apni 2000 crs ki statues lagwana nai pasand..mri bi lag jayegi,atleast birds will have something to crap on :P

THE HAIN?????????????? PIC....

My new section on real life funny pics that i click-
FOUND THIS IN MY BATHROOM...

WHO WROTE THIS?? RAKHI SAWANT OR RAVI KISAN BHAYYA??
1)IT IS A "MULTI CLEANER" PRODUCT
2)BAD ORDERS??

Different types of khujlis on phone..…

1 )Result poochne ki khujli…

Magically, out of no where I get a call from my mummy ki behen ke bhai ke beti ke kutte ki dog trainer ki padosi ke ladkey ke dost ki saying-
“Shiv bhai,Mein bankey lal bihari,apne pcc ka paper diya tha,kya hua result ka??”
Me-“Saley peep peep peep @#@#$# rakh phone!!”
I mean these are the people who dont give a damn about my life, and result ke din inko meri bahut yaad ajati hain

2) Obvious chizein puchne ki khujli….

Rat ko do baje I get 25 missed calls,i wake up and I call back
Me-“Bol Bhai”
Mr.xxx-“Bhai So to nai raha tha??”
Me-“Nai mein kabristan mein night shift ki job karra hun”

3) "Mein bol raha hun" khujli….

One day I get a call-
Mr.XXX-"Hello Shiv"
Me-"Han kaun??"
Mr.XXX-"Bhai,mein bol raha hun"
Me-"Bol to mein bi raha hun..Tu hain kon??"

WhY I hAtE LiFts...

There are times in a man’s life when he is all tired, and demoralized, and then there is a divine intervention, something from within tells him to march forward and fight the situation and then there are sometimes when you can feel your balls in your throat, you crap in your pants, waiting for the nightmare to end, when you are stuck in an elevator with a dog…
Last night I went to a friend’s place, lived on the 13th floor (how lucky that is) now let me confess I hate lifts, and I started to climb the stairs, but somehow on the second floor I convinced myself to take the lift. I took the lift, there were 3 people in the lift, me, a lady with only 2 teeth in her mouth, looked like she was straight from some ram gopal verma’s horror flick, and her dog, I don’t remember which breed, but the dog was straight from hell, giving me looks as if he was going to bite my ass off.
Somewhere around the eight floor, the lift stopped, I got scared not because the lift stopped but because the 2 toothed ugly lady was smiling at me, aisa look deri thi ki amrish puri bhi sharma jaye,I thought to myself “beta, ya to aj you are going to get molested or going to get rabies injection, or both”.confusion ye bi tha ki katega kon and molest kon karega.
The dog was really upset and was barking like hell, now if you live on planet earth, and have ever used lifts, you would realize that lifts are not that spacious, a dog barking and jumping could touch your legs with his sharp teeth, and make you piss in your pants.
Somehow after 2 minutes, the lift started and I (safely!!) went on to meet my friend.

I AM DONE WITH LIFTS IN THIS LIFE.

WhAt If.....ParT-1

Here i was relax-singh in my room,surfing da net,drinking tea..and..SUDDENLY... a thought came to my mind,what if there was no internet,no cellphones,no computers,no TV,no ipods,NO BALDY RAGHU TO TEACH YOUNG KIDS HOW TO SWEAR...NO EKTA KAPOOR SERIALS.....OMG!!.....WHAT IF WE WERE STILL IN THE STONE AGE.....

1)IF THERE WAS NO EKTA KAPOOR SERIAL-
Women would naturally be unhappy,they would have to do boring things like taking care of kids,cooking food,cleaning the cave,no endless weepings..no jina marna fir jeena fir marna fir jeena,no 1000 shadis per women in a serial,and baa would not be the 300 year old women she is

2)NO PHACEBOOK,CHIRKUT OR TWEEEETER
No social networking!!!,how would we say hi and heloz to people we hardly care about,how would we do FRAAANDSHIP wid girls,how would we throw sheep,logs of wood,stones,god knows what nots at people,how would we constantly post updates for people who give a hog shit about our lives!!

3)NO ROADIES..SPLITSVILLA...RAKHI KA SWAYAMVAR,RAKHI KI SUHAGRAAT :P
No MTV!!!,no stupid reality shows,..how will our kids learn to say maa ki nd behen ki galiss,how will rakhi sawant earn a living :O

MORE WHAT IF'S COMING SOON...:P

BadabiNg badAbOOm

ThE( WoRsT) iNDIans Of ThE yR AwarDs

After intense research and lotz of sleepless nights,nd discussion with an emminent jury,consisting ramlal(gali ka kutta) and ma chaiwalla chotu,here are ma awards for ppl making dog shit out of their careers in 2009.......

POLITICS

C.M. madhu koda
Fr being do koda(i) ka insan,

Claim 2 fame-2000cr khagaya nd Dakar bi ni mari :p

BUSINESS

Satyam ke raju ji
sir apne to kamal hi kr diya

Claim 2 fame-
satyam satyam yes papa
Going profitable
Yes papa
Show me your balance sheet
HAHAHAHAHAHAH

ENTERTAINMENT
rakhi sawant

Claim 2 fame-jejusss ki daya hn ap par mataji,jus w8ng fr rakhi ka swayamvr season 2 :p

PUBLIC SERVICE

Himesh nd Akshay kumar
Claim 2 fame-single handedly screwed da minds of Indian cine goers,ab log darr ke mare muviz nai dekhte,nd apna dimag dusri jagah lgate hn,gr88 wrk